My husband and I don’t share a bedroom

*Cue all the judgements and gasps and strange looks* 

I’ve been taking flack for this lifestyle choice for six years, so I decided to share with you why my husband and are quite happy with this decision. 

First, I realized long ago that the reason so many people are uncomfortable with this information when I share it is because most people can only understand someone else’s life through the lens of their own experiences. When they respond with a strange look or comment, I’m able to understand what they are actually saying is “that would never work in my marriage.” And that’s totally fine. 

I am in no way on a mission to convince anyone to copy us. It’s probably not a good idea for most people. What I am on a mission to do is to encourage people to think independently, get comfortable with being different than everyone else, and to advocate for what’s best for your family. 

So, now for the part many of you are sticking around for…why do we each have our own bedroom?

Short answer:

In our family, we prioritize a solid night’s rest and this arrangement allows all four members of our family to sleep well. Everyone gets 7-11 hours of sleep in the Hyde house, and we are all happier humans for it. 

Long answer: 

Let’s go back to 2007, the beginning of the marriage. 

For the first seven years of our marriage, we had indeed been sharing a bed. I am a cuddler, and he doesn’t want to be touched. I’m a bed hog and a blanket thief. We used separate blankets so I could create my cocoon and he didn’t have to wake up to unravel me. The two blankets didn’t solve the problem that I took up 3/4 of the bed, and he wanted a bubble around himself. 

At some point in the marriage he began snoring. I would solve this by plugging his nose in the middle of the night, which also wasn’t appreciated. 

My opinion of the ideal temperature at night is between 70-73 degrees. His opinion of the ideal sleeping temperature is between 60-64. This is a big difference. I was always freezing cold or he was sweating. 

In 2014 our daughter was born. We decided to put an adult bed in the same room as the baby. I knew I wanted to breastfeed so I was the only one who could feed her at night. If I was going to get interrupted in the night, why have her cries wake my husband too? 

He wouldn’t be able to offer me relief so we might as well have one fully rested adult. We agreed that my job was to take care of the baby, and his job was to take care of me. Since he was well rested, he could handle more of the household responsibilities. 

Shortly after she was born, I converted to safe co-sleeping for us. She and I both slept so much better. Brandon was extremely uncomfortable with having her in bed with him, and it’s not recommended as part of safe co-sleeping. So I just always slept in our daughter’s room, and he slept in ours. 

Well, not too long into this arrangement, my husband started sleeping much better. He could set the temperature to 60, snuggle in his blanket where no one would touch him or try to steal it, and he could snore as loudly as his body desired. As my daughter grew, she too revealed to be a snuggler. In contrast to her mom, she always kicked off her blankets. So we made a great match. We could sleep through the night all up in each other’s personal bubbles. 

And then along came our son. We had to rethink the arrangements because our 5 year old didn’t need to wake up every time the infant cried. I needed a room to myself with the baby. We live in a 3 bedroom home so we discussed all the options. It made the most sense to teach my daughter to sleep in her own bed and to move me into the master bedroom next door. Dad tried a few nights on the couch and that was an epic fail.

So we looked at the office. We could have called it the “spare room” but why not call a spade a spade. We put a twin in the office, which has its own mini-split a/c unit and dad was back to his awesome rest. The logistics of him having to wake us up to get to his clothes also made no sense so we just decided to go all in and move his clothes into the office too. 

As our son grew, I still loved co-sleeping, and he proved to also be a snuggler. 

At some point our daughter started waking up in the middle of the night and getting in bed with me. I was sleeping on a queen mattress on the floor (safe co-sleeping) with bumpers to keep them from rolling off and it was tight. Too tight. I was sleeping miserably. 

So during this quarantine we decided to get everyone situated with the appropriate bed arrangements. 

Mama now has a king bed with bumpers that has ample room for the three squirmy cuddlers in the family. 

The kids have bunk beds to give them the illusion of having their own beds, but Liam never uses his and Eleanora makes it 3-5 hours in there each night. 

Daddy got upgraded to a queen in the third bedroom with his quiet corner of the house at the perfect temperature each night. 

This works really well for us. I have the entire master bedroom closet to myself and a giant king bed that my kids come snuggle with me in. It’s awesome. 

And now…the answer to the question you’re all wondering. The one I get asked the most, “but doesn’t this have an effect on your sex life?”

C’mon now people. Really? We have to spell it out this clearly for you. 

Kids bedtime: 7:30pm 
Moms bedtime: 10pm 
Dads bedtime: 11:30pm 
Typical time first child wakes up looking for mom: 11:00-11:30 if she’s not already in bed

Mom and dad are doing just fine. 

We have never in the history of our marriage gone to bed at the same time. I prefer to go to bed early and rise early. He prefers to stay up late and sleep later. 

So there have never been those cute moments like in the movies where we read our books together and then kiss goodnight and turn off the two lamps on the night stands. It’s more like he’s watching a movie or playing a video game and I say “Goodnight babe. Love you” 

Like I said, I am in no way advocating for others to follow our lead. What I do want to encourage you to do is to get a full night’s rest, be a good human and get really comfortable going against the grain if it improves your quality of life. 

From one rebel to another, you got this. 

Much love,
Sophia 

2 Replies to “My husband and I don’t share a bedroom”

  1. I can relate to a lot of this. My husband was diagnosed with COPD in 2011 as time went on he developed thyroid problems, and got cold real easy, and I need my fan!
    He would stay up all ours of the night, then he would come to bed, and lay there and snore all night, keep me awake. We were in our early sixties then we live in a 5 br room house.
    He’s more organised than I am, but now I can be myself and he can be himself. We get together and cuddle on the love seat, and well you know. It happens when it happens. Our kids are grown, and we have our own bathrooms.
    It’s a great arrangement. We love it, he washes his own clothes.
    Never had my own room, had to share with two sisters, and being the oldest it was tough. So it’s great to be me in my own room!

  2. I love this and this is solid advice for any family. The most important thing is to ALWAYS work towards what’s best for you and your family regardless of social norms (so long as no one is doing harm to themselves or another). There’s also a TON of research that will show in terms of sexuality and desire in long term relationships, separation is essential for so many reasons (some of which are biological and our bodies are doing all on their own). Thanks for sharing this! I too hope that this encourages people to explore, and play and find what’s perfect for them! Love you girl!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.