Since Saturday I have heard many calls to unite our country, however, I have not heard anyone tell us HOW to heal from what we have witnessed over the last several years, and especially 2020.

The best I can offer you is to share my personal story in hopes it may show someone else their right next step. I mean…as the wise troll from Frozen 2 said, “When one can see no future, all one can do is the next right thing.”

There was a point a few years ago when the state of our country broke me. The level of division, hatred and lack of empathy took its toll on me, and I literally found myself in the fetal position under my covers crying for three hours. The moment was completely out of character for me, so I knew I couldn’t stay there. I had to write a new story that would get me out of bed and into action.

I remembered an important principle that both religion and science agree on…love is greater than fear. I literally sat up in the bed and decided at that moment I would not live in fear. I would out-love and out-give any hatred that was around me.

I turned my energy toward my own back yard and decided I would take personal responsibility to make my community better. This concept will look completely different for every person. For me, it looked like following my heart for foster care and becoming a Guardian ad Litem. As the saying goes “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Two other opportunities presented themselves to join non-profit boards that directly touched the things I was most passionate about.

To quote the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, “If you want to be a true professional, you will do something outside yourself, something to repair tears in your community, something to make life a little better for people less fortunate than you. That’s what I think a meaningful life is. One lived not just for one’s self but for one’s community.”

Did you know that one of Ginsburg’s best friends was the late Justice Antonin Scalia? The two often had the most conflicting views on the bench and yet the closest friendship outside the courtroom. They served alongside one another, frequently disagreeing on rulings, yet still able to be filled with love for one another. My fear is that this is what is slipping from the fabric of our culture. While Washington may have grown that direction, our communities don’t need to. We can disagree and then roll up our sleeves and work together at the community garden, the food bank, our local chamber, or any project focused on improving our communities.

The book of James has continuously been a source of refuge for me since I was a teenager. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

The part I want to bring attention to is the “quick to listen.” There is no reason for us to let the political divides of this country divide our communities. If you are feeling frustrated with someone who maybe voted differently than you, rather than avoid them or be angry at them, my recommendation is to lean in. Ask them to coffee or lunch. As Steven Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand.

Over the last few years, I have made it a habit to ask questions. “Why do you think that? What experience shaped you that formed that opinion?” and then I listen with no judgment. I do not share my thoughts with most people because I do not believe their desire is to seek to understand. Their desire is to seek to respond. We have all seen this on social media.

Don’t be that person. If we are going to unite together to build stronger communities, may we be the ones who seek to understand; who ask questions just for the purpose of listening. May we learn from each other’s experiences.

As great of a sound bite as calling for unity makes on a television screen preached by a politician or celebrity, they have minimal impact on uniting us. We must make the decision to come together, each having a seat at the table, for how we will use our gifts and talents to rebuild this country into a better version than we have ever seen. The power rests in our hands.

How much can you carry?

Recently I reached out to a friend of mine who was experiencing a lot of pain. She is a powerhouse Black female business owner who I have watched over the last four years grow, blossom and burst through glass ceilings. She is a true inspiration. But in this moment, she had run out of tears to cry and her pain had turned to anger.

She expressed her exhaustion. She expressed her frustration with ignorance. She expressed her disappointment in leaders she personally had relationships with who were completely missing the boat on how to rise up and follow through during this time.

I didn’t blame her. If I had spent my whole life trying to tell my perspective to anyone willing to listen, only to have people respond to it with words that told me my experiences weren’t relevant, believable, or worthy of change, I would want to scream too.

My heart hurt for her, but I was fully aware I didn’t have the capacity to feel the depth of her pain. I haven’t walked a day in her shoes. So I made her a different promise, one I hope you will join me in.

I will pick up my brick.

She has been carrying a heavy load, but it’s not possible for me to relieve any of it from her. What I can do is pick up my own load and go join her to get the work done.

It is so easy to hold an opinion. It’s even easier to click “share” on someone else’s opinion. What is not easy is taking action.

I would say it’s pretty near unanimous agreement that our world is hurting right now. Our country is broken. If for no reason other than we have developed deep-seeded divisiveness of one side against the other.  But the solutions do not rest elsewhere. The solutions for a better future for America rests inside each one of us.

We are in the process of building a new house. A structure so large it can hold and support the diversity our beautiful melting pot of a nation has grown into.

And right now, we have a lot of people who are sitting in lawn chairs, sipping on Arnold Palmers, and telling the construction crew how to do their job. I can hear it now,

“You missed a spot”

“No, not that direction.”

“Hmmm…..I really disagree where that wall is being placed. Should be two feet that way.”

Not. Helpful. At. All.

If we want to live in a more beautiful version of America, then we all need to roll up our sleeves, put on some clothes we can get ruined, and start carrying some bricks over to the construction site. The crew doesn’t need our commentating, they need our help.

I am not here to tell you what your role in the project should be. When building a house someone has to bank roll it, someone has to be the architect, the plumber, the project manager, the landscaper, or even the babysitter for the guy/gal with a bunch of kids at home who wants to put in a 12 hour day. It takes a unified team effort.

It takes personal responsibility.

We each have a role to play. We each need to pick up our brick and contribute.

It may look like getting involved in initiatives in your local community. It may mean finding an organization whose work you fully support and sacrificing a few conveniences to donate to their work, or volunteer with them. It may mean something completely different.  

If we want to unify our country and heal our country, it’s our job. There is no one else to blame. We have to each take personal responsibility for helping this nation through these most challenging times.

As Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

P.S. Personal responsibility overflows to EVERY area of our lives. I chose to write about current events today, but we could take this exact same conversation and apply it to relationships, health, career frustrations, or any spoke on the wheel of life that is struggling.

It’s no one else’s job to fix something in our lives. If we are experiencing frustration, the conversation of blame has GOT TO GO. There is no 50/50.

“Well, I did this but they did this, this and this.”

Nope. Their actions are not relevant. We need to own 100% of OUR END of the deal. Release any mental conversations around blaming anyone for anything. What action was within our control that would have created a better outcome? Own it. Period. End of story.  

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Thanks for making it to the end of my blog post! Two options to keep going if you want more:

Looking to create more peace in your life? Then I highly recommend downloading the free E-book from my site, Create Peace. Just drop your email below and it will be sent to you.

If you enjoy reading these posts, then drop your email into the box at the footer of the website and you will get an email from me each Wednesday with a new post.

Are you exhausted from feeling like our country is being ripped apart? Me too. Does hearing attacks where people accuse “the other side” for being stupid just sound like nails on a chalkboard? Same.

The moment I read something that starts with “those idiot liberals are…” or “the foolish conservatives” I check out. And when it comes from someone in a leadership position, I’m sincerely disappointed.

This language of “them vs us” and “right vs wrong” and “foolish morons vs the smart people” is absolutely destroying our ability to have constructive conversation that can move us forward.

Today, I want to talk about what is happening at the spiritual level when you hear this dialogue and how we can all be part of the solution verses continuing the problem.

But first, I want to give you a real world example.

Over the last few weeks, I have made a few unapologetic posts on my personal Facebook page regarding current events. I made multiple posts regarding white privilege, getting educated on systemic racism and why discussing the #blacklivesmatter movement on social media matters. Then, mixed into those posts, I made two different posts that supported some positive things our local Sheriff’s office is doing.

The feedback this generated, mostly in one-on-one conversations, was quite interesting to digest.

On one hand, I was personally thanked by more than one Black woman actively working and speaking out about systemic racism, and was also thanked by an HCSO officer and family members of officers.

On the other hand, I was told I am not trustworthy to the Black community, and I simultaneously ruffled the feathers of more than one white person.

So which is it? Was I helping or hurting? Whose “side” am I on here?

Over the years I’ve been told that “you are my most liberal friend” and also “you are my most conservative friend.” I just laugh. What am I supposed to do with that information?

[Quick rabbit trail…I have fully released myself from holding any opinion or expressing any opinion based on what someone else is going to think of me. So the feedback I am receiving is just that, feedback. I hear it. I reflect on it because sometimes I can learn something from it. But I do not take it personal. I understand it’s someone else’s reaction to my words. Their feedback says more about them than me.]

Why did I share all that with you? Because it matters. The feedback I received from some individuals was reflective of them trying to fit me in a label they are using to categorize people. Some of those labels may be:

• Is she a Republican?
• Is she a Democrat?
• Is she sold-out to “the other side”?
• Is she trustworthy?
• Is she safe?
• Is she “woke”?
• Is she an intelligent resource for me to learn from?
• Is she a fool? If so, I’m going to unfollow her now
• Is she right?
• Is she wrong?

And at the core root of it…

• Is she like me?
• Is she like “them?”

This is a VERY NORMAL process for the brain. It’s called Dualistic Thinking.

In simple terms, this is a black and white way of thinking. In this way of thinking there is no gray area. There are two categories: those who are right, and those who are wrong. There is no room for anything in the middle, or for both things to be true at the same time.

I spent my entire adolescence thinking this way, which is quite normal. It’s how the brain learns. “This is safe, and this is dangerous.” It’s a protective mechanism…until it becomes damaging in and of itself.

The reality is…most of the world is gray. Hard statements that apply to 100% of situations are very rare. Almost every rule has an exception.  

At some point, we have to get comfortable living in the gray area. And unfortunately, many people are not supportive of the gray area. It’s not concrete. It lacks clarity. It involves critical thinking. It involves active listening. It takes work.

I like to say, I moved from black and white, to gray, to a world of color.

Therefore, when I come out and say “Thank you for protesting and using your voice to be heard on such an important issue plaguing our country” and also “Thank you to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office for already having so many measures in place that prevent police brutality” it’s frustrating to some. But I am here to tell you friends, you CAN actually be both things at the same time, despite what anyone else tells you. And this applies to an endless amount of topics in religion, politics and life in general.

The world does not need to be divided into two sides. There does not need to be “us” and “them.”

Nondualism is the difficult, challenging work of releasing the labels. Being able to look at people as just that, people. Releasing the categories. Releasing the judgements. Just observing. Just witnessing.

Richard Rohr, one of my favorite priests said it best when he said “The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s control.”

Can you release control and judgement of others and just observe and listen? Can you release the impulse to try and figure out which box each person fits in?

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Thanks for making it to the end of my blog post! Two options to keep going if you want more:

Looking to create more peace in your life? Then I highly recommend downloading the free E-book from my site, Create Peace. Just drop your email below and it will be sent to you.

If you enjoy reading these posts, then drop your email into the box at the footer of the website and you will get an email from me each Wednesday with a new post.

Well…this is a really ironic time in history to have decided to launch a coaching business based on “how to create peace in your life,” but I did commit to publishing a blog each Wednesday, and I know my only option is to discuss the current events in our country.

As I type this, there is a protest two miles down the road from me with hundreds of people. After I tucked my children into bed, I turned on Facebook live and watched a stand-off between the protesters and a line of officers wondering if this peaceful gathering was going to turn violent. Peace is not what I feel. I feel fear. I feel pain. I feel anger. I feel frustration. But I do not feel peace. And I know so many others in our country can relate to this too.

I didn’t want to write this post. It felt too heavy. I tried more than one way to get out of it. I feel unqualified. I’m about as “woke” as the mother of a newborn baby who hasn’t had her morning cup of coffee yet. I was really hoping I could just copy-paste some beautiful words from a black woman, amplify her voice and not have to risk getting this wrong.

But alas, I knew better. That’s called plagiarism. And by the way, when I actually asked a black woman to guest blog she called out my fear and told me I had to write this. She reminded me these are the times you lean in, not step back.

My dear friend Victoria (a powerful, bad-ass black woman I must add) who has been fighting for social justice every day for nearly twenty years gave me the best advice. She reminded me of the immense struggle I faced several years ago when I felt forced to stay silent. She reminded me how little peace there was in my life during the days that I was holding so much inside. She reminded me how much peace I invited in my life when I opened up. She reminded me of the cathartic experience I had when I started living and speaking as my authentic self. And she encouraged me to share my journey of the inner peace that can be gained from speaking your truth. Because, she said, there are a lot of people whose best pathway to peace is to use their voice.

If you have followed any of my writing, then you have probably already heard that starting in 2011 I knew I wanted to be a blogger, but I spent YEARS trying to figure out where I fit in.

I CRAVED community and yet I couldn’t find it. I didn’t belong anywhere.

I was too conservative for the liberals and too liberal for the conservatives. I walked with God and shaped all my belief systems around the teachings of Jesus but had left the church. I tried the moms groups, but I was an entrepreneur hustler whose husband did the cooking and managed the bedtime routine. I felt like they had laser beams and could see through me and were thinking “She’s a phony. She doesn’t belong here.”

One day on a walk through the neighborhood with my husband I started crying and said, “I just feel so alone. I don’t belong anywhere.” I was craving a label to place on myself and none of them fit. Every term I knew out there that helps place people in a box didn’t fit me.

Later that night, we started talking about the root issues. The reality was, I had some REALLY strong beliefs swelling inside of me that I felt I couldn’t share. And I am not a quiet woman.

“If I speak my truth, I will upset them,” is what I told him.

All I could see was the loneliness getting even worse. That I would be shamed. That I would lose people close to me. And my husband, who is one of the calmest people on the planet, got so angry that he started dropping eff bombs on me (in the nicest way). To kindly paraphrase his comments to me,

“You mean to tell me that you walk around all the time preaching about how people need to live out their purpose and fulfill their dreams and you are not pursuing yours because of what a handful of people will think? So what you’re saying is that you have a deep desire to write and could potentially impact hundreds or thousands of lives but those people don’t actually matter. What actually matters is what a couple people think of you? So you will let a couple people stand in the way of the lives you want to impact? Do you realize how hypocritical you sound?”

He was angry. And he was right.

I sat on the couch with tears streaming down my face. Because the truth hurts. The truth stings.

In that moment, I knew things would not be the same anymore. I would make people around me feel uncomfortable. And I didn’t know where this would lead.

But I started talking. I started talking about how I am a person of faith and also an ally for the LGBTQ community. I started talking about white privilege. I started calling the church out for strange behaviors I couldn’t tolerate anymore.

I read A LOT of Brene Brown. I taped to my bathroom mirror a quote from her book The Gift of Imperfections,

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

And do know what happened?

It did cost me relationships.

It did cost me my community.

It did make me VERY uncomfortable for a VERY long time. Who am I kidding? It’s still uncomfortable on a regular basis.

But do you know what happened?

I gained new relationships.

I gained new community.

I found peace. Deep, rich, genuine, inner spiritual peace.

My exterior is in alignment with my interior, which is in alignment with the path I hear God calling me toward. And it feels so effing good.

Last week I had coffee with my priest, who happens to be a female, and we talked about current events and the state of the church, and the vision of what God can heal it into becoming. It was a beautiful conversation. And I didn’t utter one word that I thought was what I was “supposed” to believe to be a “good girl.”

That was peaceful.

A couple years ago, when I was in the heat of the pain and everything was shifting, I was able to spend some time with one of my mentors, an old college professor of mine. As I vomited words all over him to describe my inner anguish he said, “What I am hearing is that you are grieving the loss of your tribe and you are searching for your new tribe. Ah, yes. That’s a difficult journey.”

And it was…but it was so worth it. The space in between the two was lonely. It was my wilderness.

My encouragement for you tonight is to find that alignment. What is the still small voice inside you calling you toward? I call that voice God, but I am totally okay with whatever name you want to give it. Many people like to call it your “knowing”. It’s what you know in your gut to be true. Are you listening to it? Or is your brain dominating the conversation? Is your life dominated by the comments from people “shoulding” all over you? Does your life align? Do the words you speak align with your inner voice? Until your knowing, your heart and your words are in alignment, you will not have peace.

May you find your voice. May you live your truth. May you create peace.