Category: Motherhood

Let’s talk about balancing ALL THE THINGS when you’re solo parenting.

In case you don’t know my situation, my husband is in the film industry. What this means is that he goes between extremes. When he is not on set, he is Super Dad. He has extreme flexibility in his schedule and mostly works from home. He carries almost all the weight of grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. Yes. I’m aware I have it made.

But there’s a trade off.

When he’s gone, he’s GONE. Like, he physically leaves and isn’t around to help with one single task.

So what does that mean for me? Solo parenting. Much like the spouses of so many other careers. From military and first responders to business professionals who leave the state or country for trade shows and meetings. Many of us face this seesaw lifestyle.

When I have to wear the hat of solo parenting, here’s how I manage the different priorities. I’ll go through each spoke of the Wheel of Life:

Mental

I do not complain. It doesn’t help anything. I choose to have an attitude of gratitude and pour all my energy into the tasks in front of me. Some days are harder than others (like when he left for most of my extremely challenging second pregnancy, and I had a three year old, and we both got sick, but I had to store my days off for maternity leave). On those hard days I try very hard to check myself. I may lose my composure and complain about the situation but never about him or his career.

If it gets overwhelming, I have found the most calming thing I can do for myself is put the kids to bed, turn on a favorite podcast and deep clean something. This usually will reset me. Something about a monotonous task and a completed project are cathartic. I always choose a podcast that will leave me better off than it found me.

Physical

This is where the life coach is expected to say, “I wake up at 5am before the kids so that I get in that workout because it’s so important for all the reasons.” Nope. Not true. The motivation behind my blog isn’t to hand out advice because I’ve got it all together. The motivation of my blog is to share my stories so other women know we are in this together, and I’m next to you in the trenches.

The reality is, this is the spoke on the Wheel of Life that gives up the most when he’s gone. I try to take great care of her when I can because I depend on her like a pack mule when I’m solo parenting.

The yo-yo I play with my body is I will take a fizz stick with dinner around 6pm to give me the bolster I need to survive bedtime routine. Then, after the kids go to bed I do the picking up and the prepping that’s necessary. Not to mention the basic daily tasks like showering and replying to personal emails or paying bills. Or writing this blog.

When I realize it’s getting too late, I reverse the effects of the fizz stick with melatonin usually around midnight or so. Then I’m up with the kids generally around 6:30am.

I need 8 hours of sleep, so often times what it looks like is two nights in a row of pushing it and then the next night I don’t do one single task and I crash with the kids and get 10 hours of sleep.

I typically eat pretty well when he’s gone because I know that if I’m not always getting a full night’s rest and I’m not exercising (chasing them around is my exercise) then I definitely cannot afford the additional burden of poor eating choices.

Spiritual

My best spiritual experiences are my quiet time. I would love to tell you that I put the kids to bed and go meditate but that’s b.s. I go wash the dishes. My meditations typically happen in the bathtub. I can rest my mind. This is my time to reflect and to listen to anything God has been trying to get through my cluttered brain and busy lifestyle.

Pre-Covid I would try very hard to make it to church since I found my happy place. Especially since they would take the kids, and I could have a moment to pause. The sanctuary at my church feels so holy that just stepping in the building I feel the peace of the Spirit. But childcare is still on pause thanks to the virus, so we aren’t churching it up right now.

Everything is spiritual. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. So the more I am willing to slow down, enjoy the laughter around me, and take in the beauty of the small moments, the more peace in my soul I can find. Last weekend I took the kids on a nature walk, which for me, turned out to be a beautifully spiritual experience. (And it had nothing to do with the monk who rode by on his bicycle whilst holding an umbrella, but he did make me smile)

Career

When I’m solo parenting, my time has to be spent very efficiently. I try my hardest to stay focused at work and get the projects completed on time each day because I have to jump through way too many hoops to even stay half an hour late.

I rely on my hard boundaries. When I am at work, I am fully present there and give 100%. And then when I leave the building, I give 100% to my family. In February, hubby was gone, and it was our busiest month of the entire year at work. I relied on my support system to help watch the kids to get me through. (By that I mean that my kids spent 3 out of 4 Saturdays in February at my mom’s house.)

In speaking with many moms about their ability to succeed in their careers, a strong support system is a necessity. Many women do it away from families, but they build up networks of reliable babysitters, nannies, friends, church groups, etc. If we are going to succeed at work and at home, it will not be alone.

Financial

I feel like this is one of the major things that separates solo-parenting from single parenting, and why I will never say that I “single parent” when he’s gone. The reality is, this is the spoke that doesn’t look any different. Even when he’s not physically here, his paychecks still hit the checking account, for which I am so grateful .

Family

Our kids are used to it at this point. “Daddy is away at work and we get to see him again on ______.” Our six year old has it down, but the two year old still gets a little confused. Fortunately, they’re still at the age that they cling to mom the most, so dad being gone doesn’t rock their world as much as it may later.

Also in this spoke falls our marriage. This is probably the hardest part of him being gone. I can manage the household, regardless of how chaotic it may get at times. But he is my person. At the end of every day, I unload my thoughts on him. I married a listener because I am a person who processes through conversation. The biggest hole I can’t replace when he’s away is our discussions after the kids are in bed. I just keep everything in and when certain weights become too much to bare I may email about them.

Eventually, the storing up of all these thoughts and emotions usually manifests as me over reacting and lashing out over something completely asinine like a broken glass or the dog peeing on the floor. This is where the next spoke comes in.

Self-Care

I try to stay very in-tuned to this need when he’s gone because I know the gravity of its importance.

If I do not take care of myself, the whole house of cards comes crashing down. There isn’t someone else to carry the load.

I try to listen to my mind, body and spirit’s greatest needs and priorities. These usually change day-to-day. One day I may need nothing more than a clean house because sanitizing that kitchen gives me a sense of peace and control. Other days, I will let the dishes go unwashed so I can soak in the bathtub and unwind.

Other self-care needs will arise like having to say no to LOTS of things and decline invitations. Or I may make plans and have to cancel them if I get to the weekend and life is too chaotic. Sometimes there isn’t room for anything other than cleaning, grocery shopping and meal prepping.

In contrast, sometimes the only thing I need is quality time with a girlfriend, and I just say I’ll figure the rest out later.

I try very hard to stay in tune to what the most pressing need is to help me feel empowered to make it through another day.

Solo-parenting is something that many of us face. I have also seen the strain that it places on marriages lead to divorce. It can definitely be exhausting, but I hope you are able to find your coping mechanisms and best balancing as we have done.

Unfortunately, I have seen many wives of film industry professionals become angry or bitter at their career needs. They can’t deal with how unavailable their spouse becomes (physically and emotionally) when on set. If you ever find yourself approaching a breaking point of frustration, reach out. I get it mama. Send me a private message, and I’m happy to chat.

---

Thanks for making it to the end of this blog post! Two options to keep going if you want more:

Looking to create more peace in your life? Then I highly recommend downloading the free E-book from my site, Create Peace. Just drop your email below and it will be sent to you.

If you enjoy reading these posts, then drop your email into the box at the footer of the website and you will get an email from me each Wednesday with a new post.

Yesterday I went to work with icing (or plastic I’m not actually sure) stuck in my hair. I hid it in a bun so no one could see, and at 11:00pm I spent 35 minutes in the shower with multiple shampoos and conditioners trying to get it out of my hair.

Ultimately, I lost about as much hair as one of those shower experiences I had in the weeks following my daughter’s birth where my hormones were out of whack, and I thought I was going to end up bald. 

My friend’s response to my story when I told her I was at work with matted icing hidden in my hair was, “this is why working mothers make such great employees. They are quick problem solvers because they have no choice but to be.” 

I loved her comment because it’s so true. It’s amazing how much less I overthink things now than in my twenties. I don’t have time to debate, belabor or procrastinate anymore. The only way I can manage my plate is to be quick to take action because there are too many balls juggling in the air that I have to catch. I have to release each problem quickly so I can catch the next one before they all fall on the floor. 

So when I had five minutes to solve a hair crisis, the solution was to hide it and keep going.

For those of you wanting to know how I ended up in that circumstance, here’s the full story line:

Sunday Noon:

I did my hair for a 4:00pm wedding. I have bone straight hair so I used a wand and two different types of hair spray to get those curls to last. They lasted all day, but my hair was hard as a rock. There was 0 chance I could run my fingers through it. I spent the entire time either chasing around my toddler son or carrying him on my hip. He was glued to me the entire event and wouldn’t go to any other family member. 

Around 6:00pm

I changed into jeans and a T-shirt and threw that hair mess in a ponytail to help clean up.

Midnight

By the time we were climbing in bed after the event, I was exhausted. I fell asleep with the pony in my hair. 

Monday Morning: 

I woke up around 8:00am and had to be out the door at 9:30am to catch our flight. I had to get two small children ready, fed, and the bags from our 10 day trip packed up. 

Needless to say, when I walked into the bathroom to finally get myself ready, there was no time to brush out that product-filled, hard-as-a-rock hair. I just reset the pony so it didn’t look like bed head and got out the door.

We pulled out the driveway at precisely 9:30am. That was a HUGE win. I felt very accomplished. 

Monday Evening:

After flying by myself with two small children and unpacking us, I was beat. I still had to do the thousand tasks required of you when you return home from a long trip and to prep for returning to routine the next day. I collapsed two hours passed my bedtime still not done with all the things. 

Tuesday Morning:

First day going back to work and I had to get my six-year-old ready for camp and my nearly two-year-old ready for daycare, flying solo. It was the morning chaos of feeding them, dressing them, teeth, hair, all the things. 

After they were all set, I put on the TV babysitter and went to get myself ready. That’s when I took the ponytail out. I started brushing my hair, that rough brushing where it’s filled with hairspray and stuck together. The not fun kind. But then I hit a point in the back where the brush wasn’t going anywhere. 

I finagled a way to look at the back of my head and there it was. A HUGE matted mess of something a little bit white, a little bit yellow, dried up, crusty and STUCK. 

I paused. 

What do you do? I had absolutely no idea what was matted in that mess, but I did know it was only coming out with shampoo and conditioner. It was 8:15am and my goal is always to be out of the door before 8:30am. 

If you remember, I recently wrote this post about how I get ready in 15 minutes and only wash my hair on the weekends. This wasn’t in my plan. 

I grabbed a handful of bobby-pins, positioned my hair in such a way you couldn’t see the matted mess and invented a bun shape that could be held in place.

The picture shown on this post was when I said to my co-worker “Take a picture of me with my new standing desk!!!” I 100% hid my cosmetic emergency. That juggling ball got tabled for later. 

Finally by 11:00pm I was able to climb into the shower. Guys…I don’t know if it was icing. My son ate more than one cupcake and lived on my left hip. He’s right handed. So it definitely adds up that something transferred from his right hand to the back of my head, but I don’t know what it was. It was 35 minutes of trying to get it out, and it had the texture of plastic. I think it was icing mixed with two kinds of hairspray, but it felt like someone melted plastic with an iron and then stuck it in my hair before it re-solidified. It was awful. 

I finally went to bed at midnight and went on to live another day. 

For the record, a patch of my scalp is still soar from all the pulling and tugging. 

Working mom life. We are quick on our feet and just roll up our sleeves to get the job done. 

If you have your own get-it-done story, I want to hear it. Drop it in the comments.

---

Thanks for making it to the end of this blog post! Two options to keep going if you want more:

Looking to create more peace in your life? Then I highly recommend downloading the free E-book from my site, Create Peace. Just drop your email below and it will be sent to you.

If you enjoy reading these posts, then drop your email into the box at the footer of the website and you will get an email from me each Wednesday with a new post.