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Chapter 1

From Unleash Your Favorite Self by Sophia Hyde

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I have had several crashes in my life, many of which find their way into the subsequent chapters of this book.

Each time I hit another bottom, it felt like I was suffocating.

I felt that way when I ran my body into the ground participating in hustle culture—the term used to make workaholism sound cool and trendy.

I felt that way when I was twenty-seven, moving back into my childhood bedroom with my husband. Our first child was on the way, and we couldn’t support ourselves.

I felt that way when I swiped a WIC card for groceries. I thought people who graduated high school with a 6.2 GPA and went to college on a full-ride scholarship were exempt from poverty.

I felt that way when I spent fifteen years trying to lose the same thirty pounds.

I felt that way when I was so miserable as a brand-new mother that my body shut down and physically stopped working.

I felt that way when I was four years into building a business, couldn’t make enough to support our family, and simultaneously realized I didn’t want to own it anymore. What kind of person quits when they are finally on the verge of success?

I felt that way when I lost friendship after friendship. I mean…I didn’t really lose any friends. I just realized, time and time again, that what I thought friendship looked like and what I was experiencing weren’t the same things.

I felt that way when I could no longer participate in church after a decade of living with its value systems closely tied to my identity.

I felt that way when I didn’t know how to “be” in my own family.

I felt that way when I was filled with hopelessness about the world’s problems and my inability to do anything about them.

I felt that way when I suffered in silence.

It was during these pains that I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up…a life coach. Cue the laughter from the audience. There was one teeny, tiny, little problem with this epiphany. My life was a hot mess. I knew I had to solve all these challenges before I could teach others with integrity. I’d spent a decade living in the gap between where my life was and where I craved it to be. I knew what I wanted. I just had no idea how to create it.

Over that decade, I found helpful tools. Slowly but surely, I climbed out of my holes. I paved my own path through a relentlessness, slow burn.

I was born stubborn. I used to think it was a flaw, but now I realize “stubborn” is just a synonym for my tenacity, grit, and intensity. I was determined to find a way to bust out of the boxes I felt trapped inside. The very qualities that made me “too much” for some people were the same qualities that empowered me to keep going.

At the heart of each of them were these core feelings:

• Something isn’t right.
• Life is not supposed to be like this.
• I must be doing something wrong.
• I thought I was smarter than this.
• Why are these things (which are easy for others) so incredibly challenging for me?
• Why am I staying stuck?
• I just want to bang my head against the wall. None of this makes sense to me.

Eventually, I figured out how to run a business, mother in a sustainable way, pay off $150,000 of unsecured debt, restore my mental health, build healthy family relationships, find deep spiritual peace, connect with and discover a sustainable healthy relationship with my body, build a stronger marriage, create the friendships I had always craved, make a difference in my community, and simply create a life I enjoyed living.

Life is still very, very messy. The difference between then and now is that I have learned how to hold beauty in one hand and pain in the other.

I reached a point where I felt an overwhelming peace in my life. Once I discovered that I had enough to offer value to others, I decided to enroll in coach training.

A couple of years into my coaching practice, I kept running into the same problem in my conversations. The concepts I wanted to bring together were scattered, either in dozens of different places, or nowhere I could find.

Despite being an avid reader, I resisted envisioning myself as an author. That was for the fancy people with PhDs who were smarter than me and more qualified. I was just a student of the world. Why in the world would I author a book when we are all saturated with so many amazing ones already?

As my frustrations with not having the resources I needed for my clients grew, I finally accepted the reality that I would have to create it myself. I decided to write the book that I craved to recommend.

My frustrations came from gaps in the materials I was consuming. For example, how can you write about having a healthier mind but not address the mental load of motherhood? Most of my female clients are drowning in a sea of tasks. They are exhausted trying to carry the needs of everyone around them while striving to be the glue holding together their families.

What about the crisis facing millions of individuals relating to the lack of a religious home? What effect does that have on someone? How do you find spirituality without religion? How does all of this connect to the marketing companies stealing the term “self-care” and turning it into a sales opportunity for pampering products? Both my male and my female clients were regularly giving from a place of exhaustion and needed new tools. I needed a book that could connect all the dots.

Another one of my frustrations was the phrase “limiting beliefs.” It’s common coaching jargon describing the concept that we all have beliefs which shape our understanding of the world. However, these beliefs are too often untrue. These beliefs, which are rooted in thoughts, are often subconscious. They significantly shape how we move in the world. We place limitations and glass ceilings on ourselves through our thoughts. Early in my growth journey, I figured out that my thoughts were self-sabotaging. But as a coach once told me, “A picture cannot see its own frame.”

Coaches often talk about limiting beliefs, usually as something they can help others identify, but how the hell was I supposed to identify them in myself and reframe them? I couldn’t find a method that simplified the concept enough to help me identify my own “limiting beliefs” so I could rewrite them. This frustration motivated me to create my own tools, which I will share with you here.

When discussing personal growth and development, it’s common to talk about habits, health, and finances, but what about all this other stuff?

I knew I would never create the success I craved in my business, health, or finances until I addressed the whole picture.

And that, my friends, is why this book was born.

In it, I’m going to lead you through the task of tackling the entire picture of your life.

How do I know this will work? Because I experience it every single day on my coaching calls. Not only did I create a life I thoroughly love for myself, but I’ve watched my clients do the same for themselves.

My clients are diverse. All genders. They range from teenagers to people navigating retirement. Their financial situations range from a millionaire business owner to a bartender scraping together their monthly payment. They are each unique in race, culture, ethnicity, and religion. These same concepts and materials are working for every single one of them. We are all human. These struggles and triumphs are all part of the human experience. I stand firmly in my belief that we all have so much more in common than what separates us.

And do you want to know the craziest part? Their circumstances rarely changed. They didn’t need a new house, new job, new relationship, or million-dollar paycheck to have the life they love. When they come to me, I can see it clear as day. Everything they need is already inside of them. They are already worthy, capable, and qualified enough to attain their desires. They just need help to see it. The same applies to you.

You are already worthy.
You are already enough.
You are already capable.
You are already qualified.

You can attain the desires you have for your life. If you feel like you are suffocating in any area of your life, I hope these pages will help you set yourself free.

Let me make one thing crystal clear, however. The process never ends. It’s not possible to write a book about life from the perspective of having “arrived.” Half of the healing comes by accepting the reality that it’s always going to be 50% hard and 50% beautiful. A significant part of the journey is learning that the “slow burn” is the process. I no longer believe I will ever “arrive.”

I’ve often heard it said that there is no such thing as stagnant. You are either growing or you are dying. It’s usually been in a business setting where I have heard this analogy. You cannot just coast. If you are not actively growing your business, then your business is actively dying. There is no such thing as stagnation. This perspective comes from nature. Everything is always in motion. Nothing can ever just stay the same.

However, I see it differently.

We are always growing and dying.

Part of the growth process is being willing to release what is no longer working for us. The muscle of learning how to let go is a hard one to grow. It’s painful but necessary to prune. Our bodies are constantly shedding dead skin cells and creating new ones. Most trees go through a shedding in autumn, look dead in winter, and reveal their beauty in spring. So too should we be shedding the parts of our lives that are no longer healthy for us.

Naming my work “Unleash Your Favorite Self” is intentional. The release is always the first step. Shedding the layers of what is no longer serving you is a significant part of the process. Once you do, you will find a version of yourself more powerful, stronger, and better equipped than you ever imagined.

For most of my clients, the first round of purging is letting go of the expectations that don’t align with who they desire to become. I witness people defining their own life terms every day. The words “successful” or “best self” don’t sit well with me because they are filled with connotations.

When we hear “success,” whether we want to or not, most of us automatically think of financial wealth and material possessions. Without even realizing it, we have ingrained belief systems about being our “best self.” We often assume our best must include discipline, a body that’s a certain shape, crushing it at the top of our careers, and many other illusions.

Would you confidently say your “best self” spent their entire Sunday laid up on the couch with Netflix and pizza? But what if that’s what you find to be the most restorative, joyful activity for you? What language says, “I want to create a life where I can enjoy spending my Sundays on the couch guilt-free if I so desire?” But favorite self? No one can define it but you. The only implication of the word favorite is that you fully own it.

What I know as a fact is that deep inside each of us is a favorite self. A life we crave to live, but it may or may not look like what others seem to want. The only way we will find our peace is if we can remove all the burdens, stories, and expectations sitting on top of us to reveal what’s underneath.

My goal for the reader is that by the end of this book, you will have clarity over what you truly want, feel confident in who you are, and feel equipped to take the necessary steps to unleash your favorite self.

These concepts are not to be taken as advice from an expert who can spoon-feed you a perfect meal but rather as an invitation to read someone else’s cookbook. You may be inspired to sprinkle in new ingredients and techniques you have yet to try. If you don’t care for my recipes, try someone else’s cookbook.

I’ve learned that people are magnets. Sometimes we attract one another, and other times, our energy repels and pushes away. Sometimes, the connection is weak and will barely hold together. Other times, the connection is so strong it requires an intense force to separate the bond. I’m not going to be positively magnetic for every person, nor am I trying to be. However, every time I open the door to let others in, people gravitate to my story and experiences. Many thank me for saying what they needed to hear. Though, admittedly, some say it’s not for them.

On Instagram, I’ve had people tell me they’ve unfollowed my account because I use too many words, and it hurts their heads to read it all. They have also told me that the content I produce is uninteresting, and they give no energy to thinking about these things. Others have enthusiastically shared, “I’ve added you as a favorite, so I won’t ever miss a post or story you publish. I check every single day to see if you wrote anything new!” The positive impact on those individuals is what keeps me going.

This book is for you. You, who are hungry to hear what it means to be fully human, to be empowered, and to write your own stories. If you decide I don’t meet the standard of people you allow to speak into your life, then support authors who do.

Did you catch what I just did there? I just dropped a nugget many of you need.

You are a magnet. If you’re struggling with the pain of accepting that not everyone likes you, please stop. Immediately. I beg you. I spent years and years suffering as a people-pleaser. I desperately wanted to be liked by everyone, especially if it was someone I admired. When the sentiment wasn’t reciprocated, it was devastating.

Despite years of wishing this didn’t bother me and trying not to care, it took learning only one concept to flip the switch. In Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga’s book, Courage to Be Disliked, they wrote:

“If there are ten people, one will be someone who criticizes you no matter what you do. This person will come to dislike you, and you will learn to not like him either. Then, there will be two others who accept everything about you and whom you accept too, and you will become close friends with them. The remaining seven people will be neither of these types.”

The authors go on to challenge the readers to pay attention to where they give their attention. This simple paragraph completely rocked my world.

The numbers remain consistent whether you allow people to see the real you or let them see the you that’s desperately trying to fit in. Whichever version of you shows up in a room will end up with one hater, two admirers, and seven people who don’t care. You might as well just be who you truly want to be in this world. It’s a hell of a lot easier to find your 20%.

Understanding this concept served as a permission slip in my mind. I threw myself into finding my 20%. I started repeating this thought:

“Out of every ten people you meet, one will dislike you, two will love you, and the other seven won’t even care. Give all your energy to the two who love you.”

I started asking different questions:

• Where are these people?
• How do I find more of them?
• How can I weed out the 10% quicker so they don’t bring me down?
• Why am I sitting at a table with the 70%? Am I just a warm body to these people?

For the next twelve chapters, I will be inviting you into my world. If you find we are magnetic, I hope you reach out. If you’re in the eight out of ten, it’s highly likely you didn’t even pick up this book. But if you did, I hope you stay a while and can gain some value from the following pages.

My wish for all of us is to be liberated. I crave to live in a world where we all know our favorite selves, unleash them into the world, and find our two in ten.

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Ready for More?

This is just the beginning. If Chapter One resonates with you, imagine what the full journey can do.

📖 Grab your copy of Unleash Your Favorite Self today and start discovering the life you crave.

*Sophia Hyde is a certified FairPlay facilitator

Dear Moms,

I see all that you do. The mental and invisible load of what you carry. The endless to-do lists, decisions, and problem solving. 

I know your mind never rests. Between taking care of yourself, the household needs, the child(ren), the meal planning, and career responsibilities, you are tapped out. 

For years I have been helping women with mental load. Some of the tools that help are time and task management systems. Some of it involves mindset and beliefs (like whether you really HAVE to do that thing or do it in the complicated way you are asking of yourself). 

Recently, I was introduced to the Fairplay system developed by Eve Rodsky, and I’m obsessed. If you haven’t heard of it, there is a book and card deck. The book is the starting point as it addresses how we ended up in a situation where women overwhelmingly carry the majority of the mental load and offers solutions and methods to even the playing field more. The card deck breaks down the roles and responsibilities of running a household into a game that couples can play to improve the shared responsibilities. 

This week on the podcast I introduce the system and give you the CliffsNotes version. My favorite bullet points that she covers are: 

• Eliminate tasks
  • Release what isn’t in alignment for your family or season

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• The invisible work
  • Acknowledge how much labor goes unrecognized

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• CPE (Conceptualize, Plan, Execute)
  • In the Fairplay system, whomever is executing is also taking on the conceptualizing and planning. If you hold the card, you hold it from beginning to end. There is no sharing of cards. One person owns it wholly.

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• All time is created equal
  • No one person’s time is more valuable than another.

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• Minimum Standard of Care
  • This is HUGE when it comes to ending the bickering, nagging, and criticizing of how tasks are done. Part of the exercise is agreeing on a shared definition of what is reasonable to expect in the execution. Sometimes you need to up your game, and sometimes you need to lower the bar. But having a shared standard cuts out so many of the fights.

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• Unicorn Space
  • This may be my FAVORITE part of the book. Each person in the partnership needs a weekly window of time to pursue the thing that lights them up and can be shared with the world. Pursuing joy is just as important as keeping the household running.

If you are in a partnership and want to reduce your mental load, I highly recommend that you listen to this week’s episode. 

And of course, if you want help decreasing the overwhelm in your life, my 1:1 coaching goes far beyond just looking at this one tool. Before committing to ongoing coaching, the first step is to schedule a Roadmap session.

Meet Chelle Hartzer, one of the coolest clients I have had the privilege of coaching. She is an entomologist, meaning an expert on all things bugs. During the pandemic, Chelle was laid off from one of the largest pest control companies in America. She then pivoted to start her own consulting company where she supports small and medium-sized pest control companies across the globe.

This week she is on the podcast sharing her story of stepping into more confidence. We discuss the concepts of being your Favorite Self and also owning your Favorite Business.

Chelle shares her journey of learning to own her “weird,” thrive as one of the only women in a male dominated field, and improve her stage presence (she regularly speaks at conferences).

During this conversation she shared that one of the most powerful tools that helped her during the coaching process was writing affirmations. These affirmations helped her change the way she saw herself. The affirmations she chose are:

🪲 I am intriguing.

🪲 I am engaging.

🪲 I am valuable.

🪲 I am interesting.

Our thoughts determine our feelings.

Our feelings determine our behaviors.

Our behaviors determine our results.

Meaning, when you think differently about yourself, you get different results. When Chelle began to see herself as intriguing, engaging, valuable, and interesting, she felt more confident on stage and in one-on-one conversations.

To listen to the full conversation with Chelle, ​click here​.

If you would like help growing your confidence in yourself, start by scheduling a ​Roadmap session​.

Attention entrepreneurs…write this thought down somewhere you can see it frequently throughout the day: My body is the most important asset in my business.

It’s really easy to get caught up in taking care of others, getting the tasks done, keeping the clients satisfied, prioritizing your friends and family, but it’s not sustainable if it takes a toll on your health. 

How many of you have either experienced or personally witnessed a business owner hit burnout? It’s really, really, really common. They take on all the stress. They juggle all the balls. They burn the candle at both ends, and then they hit burnout. It happens every day. 

It’s avoidable, but not easy. 

Choosing yourself and your body first can often feel like an act of rebellion. 

Choosing to go to bed early instead of replying to more emails or wrapping up the project can feel counter intuitive. 

Choosing to not return the phone call so you can hit the gym after work may not feel natural. 

Pushing back the deadline for a day or two because your body is asking for rest isn’t always praised in our culture. 

But our bodies are the most important asset.

When we take care of our bodies we have more energy, have better ideas, are more attractive to be around, and get more done. 

How you spend your time is a reflection of your priorities. Are you prioritizing yourself? If not, what do your actions reflect you believe is a higher priority?

Tune into this week’s podcast episode for more thoughts to chew on on this topic and some real life examples you will probably relate to. 

If you are a business owner (or experiencing career burn out) and know that  taking care of your body is so far down the priority list that you can’t keep going on like this, it’s time to reach out for support. Schedule a Roadmap session and we can discuss what it can look like for you to start choosing yourself.

 
Join the waitlist for the Your Favorite Business group coaching program if you want to be notified when the next round opens up on August 20th.

There is a question that began plaguing me several months ago: 

Is it ADHD, anxiety, or nervous system dysregulation? 

As I have openly shared, my daughter and I were diagnosed three years ago with anxiety and ADHD, respectively, and since then I have been diving deep into the research of the brain so as to best support each of us. 

Fast forward to the present…there has been an incredible amount of progress. Our symptoms are both under control, infrequently rearing their ugly heads. But…I can’t unsee the patterns of what had worked.

We both needed the same medicine…listening to what our nervous system was asking for from us.

While we were navigating this in our personal lives, in my professional life I was diving deeply into the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and bodies. When I began my coaching practice, I mostly coached my clients cognitively, but the more that we entered conversations through the lens of the body and the feelings it wanted to process, the more their results sky rocketed. This led me down the rabbit hole of understanding how our nervous system works. 

A regulated nervous system doesn’t mean calm and chill. That’s not life. It means that you have the BANDWIDTH to move through the emotional roller coaster easily. The more regulated your nervous system is, the less likely you are to go into fight or flight in a stressful moment (ex: yelling at someone or shutting down). 

If you are skeptical of what I am suggesting, PLEASE do the deep dive for yourself. Research the lifestyle changes that are recommended to help with ADHD, help with anxiety, and help regulate your nervous system. The Venn Diagram overlap is staggering. Here are JUST A FEW of the recommendations that find their way onto all the lists:

• Get a full night’s rest
• Breath work
• Exercise one hour or more a day
• Manage the things in your life that make you feel overstimulated
  • Think 5 senses…some people are triggered by loud noises, clutter, certain textures, etc. 
• Food changes (learning what your body uniquely needs)
• Reduce stress
• Feel your feelings rather than suppressing them 

Am I suggesting that I don’t have ADHD and am rescinding my diagnosis? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Funny enough, I actually have come to LOVE the label. The more I understand how my brain works, the more I understand how to meet my own needs and play to my own strengths. It’s been one of the most unexpected gifts in my life. 

Here is the question I have been wrestling with: 

What if we are having the wrong conversations? What if the conversations should really be dominated by everyone doing their own personal work in regards to of what it uniquely means for them to have a regulated nervous system? And what if, when we are dysregulated, we each respond in our own ways? 

My dysregulation looks like scattered thoughts, overwhelm, inability to focus, procrastination and avoidance (all things typically associated with ADHD). My daughter’s dysregulation looks like having less control over the thoughts in her mind and an escalation of emotions (aka anxiety). 

I’ve been asking these questions for some time now, and at this point, it’s become my new worldview, which is why I was finally ready to talk about it on my podcast. If this is something that interests you, the most helpful resource I have found is the work of neuroscientist and occupational therapist Dr. Brooke Weinstein. 

I recorded a more in-depth podcast episode that goes into detail on: 

• how our nervous system works
• what it means to have a regulated vs. dysregulated nervous system
• A PLETHORA of ideas on how to regulate yours

I cannot pack into a single blog post the amount of content I was able to share in a 45 minute episode, so if this interests you, I recommend listening here.

If you want to explore working with me 1:1 to discover what a more regulated version of you could look like, the first step is to schedule a Roadmap session.

Check in with your body. Do you feel grounded, centered, and calm? Or, like most people, do you feel a tension in your chest, stomach, shoulders, neck, back, or somewhere else?

Most of us are walking around carrying tension as if this is the only way to do life.

It is not. 

We don’t have to accept this. 

Season two of the podcast just launched; in this season we will regularly be asking – what can our bodies teach us? What can we learn by listening?

For our first conversation, I want to discuss one of the ways to create more peace in your life by choosing 10 seconds of courage. 

Your peace may be on the other side of one 10 second decision to choose courage. The courage to speak up for yourself.

There is a great quote by Cheryl Richardson that I have been repeating to myself for years, 

“When you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself.”

Many of us are walking around with wars and conflicts in our bodies.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way. 

On the podcast episode this week I give five real life examples pulled from my own life and client experiences over the years. Real moments where peace looked like: 

1. Seeing a DM that felt like there were some undertones covering up some pain. Choosing not to reply, but to dial their phone number immediately and get to the bottom of what that comment was inferring.

2. Opening up the voice memo in a text message, clicking record, and word vomiting to get it out. Knowing it was messy. Knowing it could have been handled better. But knowing that if you didn’t go on that tangent right then, you would probably bury it again like you had for months. 

3. Choosing to turn on a reality TV show in the middle of the weekday afternoon rather than doing a task for the sake of “productivity.” Letting people around you feel whatever they want to feel about your small act of rebellion that was a big act of self-care.

4. The 10 seconds it takes to write your boss an email and say, “I have something important to discuss, when can I get on your calendar?” Knowing that the requests on your list are not easy asks, but they’re the only path to you staying sane and not forfeiting your physical and mental health any longer. 

5. Choosing your workout over the convenience you provide to the other people in your home or office. That choice to drive to the gym before the house takes 10 seconds to decide whether you get in the turning lane or stay straight. Or maybe it was the 10 seconds to decide not to reply to the next email but actually leave work on time. 

Either way, you know if you keep neglecting yourself in the name of serving others, this whole ship is going to sink. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not next week. But this path of neglect isn’t sustainable. Whether it’s six months, a year, or two years down the road, eventually this story doesn’t end well. 

What 10 second decision will bring you closer to your inner peace?

You can listen to the full episode here.

If you are ready to do the work to find your inner peace and tired of trying to do it alone, one-on-one coaching may be a great option for you. The first step is to schedule a Roadmap session. 

When a client comes to me in overwhelm or needing help with their work-life balance, the very first step I take with them is to design a Favorite Week. It’s essentially a budget of your time. A financial budget is spending your money on paper before you make it. A Favorite Week is spending your time before it happens.

It’s a template. Given the priorities you juggle, design a schedule that leaves you feeling the best. Give the appropriate amount of time to each of the areas of your life.

I teach these steps:

1. Define your priorities/mental load
2. Consider how much time you need to be able to thrive in each area
3. Figure out a flow that leaves you feeling really good

Then, play Jenga.

Pointers:

• Consider tasks that have to be done daily or weekly and build in when you will consistently do them
• Be realistic. Just because something can fit on the calendar at 8pm or 6am, are you ACTUALLY going to feel like doing it at that time, or will you just be constantly letting yourself down for not following through on something? Don’t set yourself up for failure.
• Share this flow with the people in your life. If you have a partner, an employee or anyone else who actively plays a role in your schedule, let them know your intentions so they don’t commit you to things that will sabotage your flow

PLAY JENGA!

Making the plan is one thing, but there’s a reason it’s called the FAVORITE week. It’s best case scenario. Tiramisu ice cream is my favorite flavor. It’s rarely available for me. So I often enjoy chocolate or coffee. This template sets you up for success, but being human means there are circumstances outside our control. So we must be prepared to be flexible.

In the game Jenga, you start with the perfect tower. It’s strong. It’s stable. Everything is precisely where it belongs. And then…you begin adjusting.

Your Favorite Week is the starting tower. Everything fits perfectly. It’s your best case scenario.

Each week, it’s almost guaranteed you will need to make adjustments. This is where the most important work begins:

Declare your non-negotiables.

What absolutely must occur to set the rest of the week of up for success?

Think of each one of these cell blocks as a Jenga block. Some of them you can move around and absolutely nothing happens. They practically pop out on their own. The stability of your tower is not impacted by moving that piece around. However, other pieces, if moved will either make the tower wobbly or will cause it to come crashing down.

I recorded a full episode on the podcast this week (episode number 11) explaining the entire process and why mine is designed the way it is. Here is a link to find the episode on your preferred app.

If you would like to receive coaching to help you discover your best flow and put these ideas into practical application, consider exploring if 1:1 coaching is right for you.

Examples shown below: (top) My personal example of a favorite week. (bottom) A blank template.

I created these in Google Sheets but you could easily replicate in Excel or a similar program.